I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
