I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
