if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
