What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
