I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
