he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They are going to name an STD after you.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
