Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
