oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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