i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
