Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
