i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
