i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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