If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My ATM looks so different sober.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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