my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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