It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
