I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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