Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
