I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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