The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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