i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
