You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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