we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Randomize
