I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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