cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
