I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
