i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
