Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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