God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
