**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
