Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You took a bar mat shot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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