I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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