she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
