It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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