you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
