I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
