so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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