my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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