the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
