please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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