I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
