Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
