when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
