I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
