Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
