I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
