I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I need to calm my uterus...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
