The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
