I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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