just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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