I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
